Robert Won’t-Go-Away of Simbabwe arrives the afterlife where he finds himself on a subway train, sitting next to Patrick Sway-Hips.
Robert: Hey where am I? Is this train going to Heaven? It must be if you’re on it. Everybody likes Patrick Sway-hips, right? Haha if it were Kurt Rustle, I would have been worried.
Patrick: You know I used to think so – that everybody liked me, until I watched the remake of my movie, No Point Break. I must have offended the producers of the remake when I was alive.
Robert: You know, I too have been thinking about my legacy. You see, the people of Simbabwe loved me when I started out but you can’t please everybody: Just 25 years into my reign, some of them started to suggest that I had stayed too long in office. And then they would whine about food shortages every day – even on my birthday. I will admit that inflation became so high that already-used post-it notes became more valuable than the Simbabwean dollar. But if they loved me they wouldn’t have allowed these issues to distract them from my presidency. I think overall, my time in office was a fun experience…that’s of course until I encountered the one thing that ruins great men.
Patrick: What was it, greed, the love of power..?
Robert: No, my friend – a high maintenance woman. The masses in Simbabwe suspected that I wanted to hand over the leadership of the country to my wife so they insisted that I should get her something less expensive like perfume or a box of chocolates. I refused and they forced me out of office just because of that.
Patrick: You tried to give a whole country to your wife! That’s even more romantic than making pottery together.
Robert: Exactly, I was just trying to have the Time of my Life. Will you help me explain that to the angels when we get to Heaven?
Patrick: If you want to go to Heaven so badly why didn’t you work at it while you were on earth?
Robert: I guess I never pictured life out of office. Even now I wish this train would take me back to Simbabwe so I can lead my people again. I was in office for 39 good years. You know what that means? Just one more year and I could have made it to 40 years in office like King David of Israel.
Patrick: But King David was a king and you were a president.
Robert: Isn’t that like a grey area? I like you Patrick – the hip-winding dances you did in the 80s made me uncomfortable but I still like you – so don’t make me change my mind. As I was saying, I just wanted to make my people proud by setting the Guinness World Record for longest serving President. But it was those same people who let me down.
Patrick: I see. I sense that there’s something else that’s bothering you.
Robert: I’m a little worried. I know that the angels in Heaven are white because I saw pictures of them when I was on earth. They’re not going to like me because when I came into power I took away land from the white farmers in Simbabwe.”
Patrick: Wow, you’re definitely going to hell.
Robert: I’m thinking of wearing a disguise so I can get into Heaven. I could pour peroxide on my hair so they’ll think I’m Desmond 22.
Patrick: I know all about mistaken identity. In fact, I keep trying not to fall asleep on the train so the angels don’t mistake me for Kurt Rustle and send me to the wrong place.
Robert: Listen, in case I don’t get into Heaven, when you get there please tell the angels not to let in Simbabweans who didn’t support me.