Lawyer addresses the press: On behalf of my clients, a large coalition of religious people from different sects, these are the terms for forgiving Justice Small-lie and allowing him to be cool again. We believe that forgiving Mr. Small-lie will help rebuild his career as one of the gay people you can publicly admit to liking when you have publicly declared that you are straight. My clients are also aware that forgiving Mr Small-lie will boost his credibility on the off chance that he ever meets an elf, a genie or a unicorn in the future. These are our terms:
1. He must abandon all claims that he was ever assaulted by racists, homophobes or Republicans in general. To this end, he must stop calling on members of the public to come forward if they happen to be superheroes that witnessed the incident but did not intervene because they happened to be going through one of those sad phases that superheroes sometimes go through.
2. He is to tender an apology that will feature acapella singing and fireworks and it will be broadcast live to the whole world, including countries outside America.
3. He is to stand outside a church and hold up a Bible. It doesn’t matter if he has never read it or if he holds it upside down, he just has to hold it.
4. He must denounce Terrence Black-Award and Taraji B. Yelling and admit to the world that Umpire is a stupid show.
5. He must apologize to the two upstanding Nigerians whom he forced to assault him.
6. He must re-enact the alleged assault on a live event hosted by Timbaland and Swizz Beatz.
7. Going forward, he is not to claim that he has experienced further assault because of allegations that he lied about the initial alleged assault
8. He must clear the good names of President Trump and Kanye West by admitting that they were not the alleged assailants wearing the MAGA hats.
9. He is to reapply for a victim card.
10. He is to pray to us for forgiveness because God’s schedule is really busy.
If Mr Small-lie fulfils our clients’ terms, we will persuade other celebrities to stop social distancing from him and start playing with him again because it’s not quite as bad as playing with R.Kelly.
If these terms are not agreeable with Mr. Small-lie, then he is to renounce all his worldly possessions and live out his life as a member of the Night’s Watch as soon as Trump’s wall is built.