Henry Carved-Well Dyes His Hair White to Avoid Being Recognized by the Producers of Suckerman and Buster’s League

The Scene: Henry Carved-Well is contemplating his next acting role after leaving the Suckerman franchise. Then one night he has a dream in which Now-Gone Brando who played Suckerman’s father in the 70s appears to him.

Carved-Well: Great! I needed advice and my subconscious dream sends you. Why would I want to be advised by someone from the franchise that I’m trying to get away from? 

Now-Gone: Hey, you think this is ideal for any of us? I’m actually mad at you for not doing that skydiving stunt with Tom Cool in Mission Illogical. You’re Suckerman for goodness sakes! 

Carved-Well: It was Tom Cool’s fault! Nobody would have noticed that I didn’t do the stunt if he had just allowed the stuntmen to do all the stunts.

Now-Gone: And then there was that silly debacle over your moustache in Mission Illogical and your clean shave in Busters League. No moustache should ever cause so much controversy. Who do you think you are, Tom Selleck?

Carved-Well: I had to give my all in Mission Illogical, Fail-Out. It was my first chance to play a villain.

Now-Gone: Don’t be ridiculous. Everybody who had anything to do with that Busters League movie was a villain. Anyway, let’s get this over with. Tell me, why are you so eager to leave the Suckerman franchise? Who advised you to leave? Is Marvel trying to poach you?

Carved-Well: I would have gladly given up my role as Suckerman to play even that talking squirrel in Marvel’s Avenger’s movies but that’s not the reason I left.

Now-Gone: You insult the Suckerman franchise even though you had it good compared to other guys who played Suckerman before you. By the time you came on, the producers had stopped putting the red briefs on top of the blue tights. The studio finally realized that it was creepy so they stopped it. So what I don’t understand is after you were spared that humiliation, you still choose to quit the franchise. 

Carved-Well: I fled the franchise to avoid the curse.

Now-Gone: What curse?! You’re talking about what happens when Ben Afflict stars in a superhero movie, aren’t you?

Carved-Well: No, it’s just that I’ve noticed the trend of mishaps and misfortunes that had befallen Suckerman actors before me. There was the guy who died mysteriously from a shooting incident and the other guy who had the horse riding injury, and then the guys from the TV shows.

Now-Gone: I see what you mean with the first two guys, but nothing happened to those guys from the TV shows. Both Gym Cain and Tom Swelling are alive and well.

Carved-Well: Who?

Now-Gone: Those are the guys from the Suckerman TV shows – Lois and Carved, and Strawville.

Carved-Well: Thank you so much, I’ve been trying to remember their names. There, you said it! Nothing happened to them. It’s like Suckerman was the end of their careers or some kind of factor limiting them from making progress. And then let’s not forget the other guy just before me, I can’t tell if he’s doing B-list porn or he’s in witness protection.

Now-Gone: I forgot about that guy. Well you don’t seem to be affected by this curse you speak of. I bet you have lots of big movies coming up. What’s your next project?

Carved-Well: Well, um… I’m on a TV show. But don’t laugh, it’s one of the important TV shows – by that I mean it’s based on a book. It’s called The White-Hair. I get to dye my hair like Daenerys Strongborn and I have a sword. Not only is it based on a popular book, it’s also based on a popular video game. 

Now-Gone: Well I don’t know if the fact that it’s based on two things from pop culture is enough to make it a great show. Sure it will make everybody want to watch it but what if it isn’t that great and people notice?

Carved-Well: Did I mention that I have white hair? And the best part is I’m still going to be a VIP at Comic Con. 

Now-Gone: So, you would really abandon the Suckerman franchise because of this White-Hair TV show and rumours of some curse? 

Carved-well: I’m not saying for sure that there’s a curse around the Suckerman character I’m just saying I’m not willing to risk my career or life to find out. 

Now-Gone: Well good for you, sounds like you have everything you could dream of. Why conjure me then? What advice do you need?

Carved-Well: Well, I want to know if moving from movies to TV is a good career move.

Now-Gone: Hmm, it’s tricky. You see, for years TV has been like a huge countryside where big movie stars go to retire after they stop getting roles in big movies. But these days, landing a great TV show is something to aspire to, isn’t it? Let’s see, Sean Bean was on Game of Thrones, then he got beheaded in Season One which was at least ten years ago and since then he’s starred in…er…okay, that’s interesting.

Carved-Well: You guys watch GOT in the afterlife?

Now-Gone: Everybody watches GOT. Anyway, I suggest that you do your best and hope that things work out in your career.

Carved-Well: Hope that things work out? That’s your advice? What if I risk my entire career and things don’t work out?

Now-Gone: Then I’ll know for sure that the Suckerman franchise made a mistake by plagiarising the story of Jesus.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *