StillBenchpress Starlone and Michael Big-Jaw Dan are on the set of yet another instalment in the Rockhead franchise when the trumpet sounds signalling the end of the world.
Michael: Champ, it’s the end of the world, we need to suspend shooting and go to Heaven.
Starlone: No way kid, if it’s the end of the world that means the sun might turn black soon. In that case, we need to make the most of daylight and shoot more scenes.
Michael: You don’t understand, Champ, we’ve got to go check if our names are in the book of life. You know, the angels are going to show everyone a reel of their time on earth and everything.
Starlone: You mean like a montage? Why I love montages! But listen, we need to finish this movie. Look kid, if this Heaven appointment is that important to you, I guess I could drop you off on my way to the gym but make sure you’re here bright and early tomorrow. I would have loved to come up to Heaven with you but today is my upper body day at the gym.
Michael: Don’t you get it? I’m talking about the end of the world – the battle between good and evil finally coming to a climax, with good defeating evil.
Starlone: Hey, that sounds like a script I wrote for the next Red-Bow movie. We’ll start shooting that one in 2049.
Michael: I’m not talking about a script. I’m talking about the destruction of the world as predicted through the ages to make way for life in Paradise.
Starlone: A reboot of earth? I don’t know if a reboot is such a good idea, I mean you’ve seen what happened to Predator, Robocop and of course Archie. But listen kid, you don’t need to worry about the end of the world because if there’s one thing I learned from the backlash after RockHead 5 it’s that this franchise can survive anything.
Michael: I’m talking about the end of the world here. If you don’t make it to Heaven it’s worse than not getting movie roles. It’s even worse than doing TV. You could end up burning in Hell if your name isn’t in the book of life. Don’t you want to make it to Heaven with all the good people? A place where there’s no suffering, no more hate, people of all races –
Starlone: Wow! That sounds so American – Hold on, what about the Soviets, where do they end up?
Michael: Um, I don’t know, I think the good ones might get sent to Heaven just like the Americans and Canadians. Listen, there’s no time to chat, champ, we’ve gotta go now. I know you’re probably counting yourself out because of that movie, Stop, My Mommy will Shoot You but you never know, you might still be able to get into Heaven. Don’t you want to go to the afterlife and see old friends who died years ago?
Starlone: Those guys are not dead. Didn’t you see them in the Benchpressables. You stick with your workouts and supplements and I promise you, in a couple of decades, I’ll put you in one of the Benchpressables movies too.
Michael: Don’t you get it? God has been letting the world go on for years and now he’s about to bring destruction to it.
Starlone: I used that exact same concept in the last Red-Bow movie, “Red-Bow – Last Blood Pressure Reading”. If I’m going to make it to Heaven, I may as well tell the truth: I used it in all the Red-bow movies.
Michael: So you’ll agree to come with me and see if you can get into Heaven?
Starlone: You know what, I actually like the way Heaven sounds. It’s just one word like my blockbusters, Rockhead and Red-Bow – unlike Earth which is sometimes called ‘The Earth’, or Hell which is sometimes called ‘Hell fire’. The name, Heaven appeals to me a lot. If you ask me, any place that’s more than one word is a little Over the Top for me and quite frankly doomed to fail.
Michael: I’m afraid I have to leave you behind to face untold pain and suffering.
Starlone: Perfect! Untold pain and suffering makes my characters more interesting. You go on, just make sure you wipe the sweat of the gym equipment up there. Nobody deserves to have to deal with that when they leave this world.